Metronome

EDITORIAL

2010-01-05T02:37:00.004-05:00

2009-12-13T22:41:00.007-05:00

Einstein said, the more he studied the universe, the more he believed in 'Higher Power'.
Still questioning?

Goldhawk Park, December 2009 - another randomly taken repulsive quality picture. yeah im never good at things that i love.

personal favorites

2009-12-07T23:47:00.008-05:00

Eleanor Friedberger (Fiery Furnaces), Sophie (Care Bears on Fire), Andrew VanWyngarden (MGMT)

Julian Casablancas (The Strokes), Santogold, Pharrell Williams

Ben Goldwasser (MGMT), James Rushent (Does It Offend You, Yeah?), YACHT

Chad Hugo (N.E.R.D.), Kid Sister, Frank Carter (Gallows)

cant help it :)

what really matters

2009-11-27T13:28:00.003-05:00

taking crystalmeth because you dont know what to spend on your money anymore? try think about these kids, and whats left for them.

happy eid everyone.
i miss indonesia, and its beauty of the breakdown.

image source: www.google.com

2009-11-21T17:59:00.001-05:00

what if i said goodbye now?
what if i, not knowing why,
left you all behind on the ledge?
i replied, that i knew now
i was glad i did not push you off
that time on the ledge
and i'm still glad
i did not push you off
that time on the ledge

2009-11-06T18:27:00.010-05:00

Gue lagi jalan pulang di McNicoll. Dan itu kayak tailah dingin banget. Terus tetep aja jalan panjang banget kayak ga ada ujungnya. Mobil – mobil banyak dijalanan. Rame lah, waktu itu. Gue celingukan lagi liat – liat sekitar; tiang - tiang listrik berjajar di ladang rumput hijau luas McNicoll Avenue. Tapi heranya gue liat depan dan belakang sepanjang trotoar ga ada orang sama sekali. Gue cerna dan gue sadari lagi. Sebelah - sebelah gue ga ada orang sama sekali. Gue langsung nunduk - malu sama mobil – mobil dan tiang – tiang listrik disekitar gue. Mereka aja punya sesuatu disebelah - sebelahnya. Dan gue sadar, hidup gue ya begini selama ini. Apa kedepanya begini terus? Itu pertanyaan yang ga akan kuat gue bayangin. Dan gue, ga mau bayangin. Entah ada apa langsung inget, salah satu pesan Pak Purnomo yang ditulis dibuku yang gue ga berhenti baca, lihat, terus diimajinasiin. Buku yang gue ga berhenti bolak – balikin halamanya dari awal sampe akhir.

Katanya, “Belajarlah mencari tahu apa kehendak Tuhan dan rencananya, disaat kita ada ‘masalah’.”

Gue lebarin mata gue dan gue sadar. Tuhan sayang banget sama gue ngasih pelajaran buat gue untuk lebih bersyukur. 5 bulan yang lalu gue bolak – balik protes kepanasan, sekarang dikabulin dan dikasih dingin. 5 bulan lalu gue terlalu gengsi dan sombong hidup di negara berkembang, sekarang gue ada di negara termaju ke-4 di dunia. Gue dapet semua ini, tetep aja gue protes. Tapi apa yang gue paling sadarin? Tuhan sayaang banget sama gue, 5 bulan yang lalu gue punya orang – orang disebelah gue. Dan bukan sekedar orang, temen, yang dimana mereka semua udah 12 jam didepan. Dari pada gue nangis dijalanan kayak psycho, gue cepet - cepet pulang ke basement. Buka buku itu lagi, liatin satu – satu muka – mukanya. Terus gue liat dan perhatiin satu orang yang hampir ada disemua foto. Lagi diantara orang – orang yang pengen gue sulap biar ada disini. Itu gue. Gue pernah disitu. Susah untuk percaya kalo gue pernah disitu, diantara orang - orang itu. ‘Kok bisa ya?’ selalu terlintas di kepala gue.

Dulu dengan mudahnya gue bilang orang itu egois. Ga pernah mikirin orang lain. Dan bilang kalo gue lebih mikirin orang lain dibanding mikirin diri gue sendiri. Tapi ternyata, yang bener – bener egois ya gue. Kok bisa – bisanya gue ga sadar kalo gue pernah diantara orang – orang itu? Lagian kenapa juga mereka harus ada disebelah gue sekarang? Kenapa ga gue aja yang disana? Pake seragam, ketemu pagi – pagi, ngobrol ato tidur pas pelajaran, beli makanan ga sehat di kantin, ke kelas terus ngegosip, sorenya pulang dan dadah2an sama mereka ato pulang bareng sama mereka. Egoisnya gue, kenapa juga hal – hal itu mesti diulang? Emang bisa? Kenapa gue ga bersyukur 5 bulan yang lalu gue ada disitu, kenapa saat itu gue sadar hari – hari gue disana dengan mereka. Di kota itu, di sekolah itu, dengan baju itu, ditempat itu, semua gak akan keulang lagi.

Gue kangen sama kalian semua. Gue minta maaf gue bukan temen yang baik yang kalian punya, ga pantes banget gue ngomong gini karena kalian adalah temen – temen yang baik banget untuk gue. Gue ga peduli sebaik dan seburuk apa temen yang gue punya atau akan punya disini, kalian lain dari mereka semua dan gue ga akan pernah lupa sama kalian karena kalian adalah salah satu bentuk kasih sayang Tuhan untuk gue. Gue juga ga mau ngerepotin kalian dengan dengerin dan tau gue yang kelewat cengeng ini. Gue mau lo semua jalanin hari – hari lo semua yang seneng ya disana, liat sebelah – sebelah lo terus bersyukur, gue udah ga minta apa – apa lagi. Terus cerita – cerita, kasih tau apa aja, gue desperate untuk dengerin itu semua. Gue tujukan ini buat semuanya, kalian semua yang pengen banget gue sebutin satu – satu disini, terutama yang udah bikinin gue buku bacaan pesawat terbang yang paling bagus yang pernah gue baca. Walopun lagi ga dipesawat terbang, gue selalu ada setetes dua tetes nangis tiap ngeliat dan ngebayangin itu semua. Tapi terutama waktu itu di pesawat gue bisa ngerasain, jalan terbangnya pesawat itu, kerasa pelan tapi pasti, menjauh dari foto – foto dan tulisan – tulisan dibuku itu..
Tadinya gue ga mau lo semua tau soal ini, tapi ini buat nunjukkin kalian gue sekarang ini seberapa kangenya duduk dan ngobrol bareng kalian disebelah – sebelah gue. Dan pengen nunjukkin seberapa bangga gue bisa nyebut kalian temen gue :)

Thank you for being the awesome part of my life.

I miss you more than you can ever imagine.
Sasja

2009-10-30T16:00:00.002-04:00

happy 17th birthday fathia

i wish i could be there just to say happy birthday to you and hug you :'(
but dont bother, have an awesome birthday and awesome life. because you deserve it the most.

*i actually planned to make a video of my self saying happy birthday to you, but i look so messed up - so i really dont want to ruin your birthday and turning it into halloween*

♥

2009-10-27T21:28:00.003-04:00

im not happy
and you dont need to be sorry

2009-10-26T19:16:00.004-04:00

330 Geary Avenue, Toronto, ON M6H 2C7
fun game. but someone won already :\

2009-10-25T15:10:00.004-04:00

that time on the ledge – mew,
sweetest sound at present

vertigo - i spent about half an hour in the washroom. sat facing the flush toilet and trying to vomit so at least i could release some pain - but i couldnt - bapak and emir knocked hard the door and shouting my name, they probably thought that i was dead, because i didnt make any sound at all. i went outside. i almost fell down from the stairs. falling is the scariest thing ever in my life - i remember when my friends and family taught me to ride bicycle and ice skate. i was so scared knowing that i would fall. but i wasn’t scared knowing that i would, fail.
i took some gravol my mom gave me, ive never slept that peaceful before.

i'll be visiting a house in north york at 5. hope we can own it.

back to my plant studying. i did horrible on romeo & juliet, i will never do that again, ever.

see you.

2009-10-18T19:16:00.000-04:00

pretty much made my day

2009-10-11T08:59:00.002-04:00

mom-titi webcam conversation in bad, baaadddd network:

"bb-u, s-p--a yg s--kit p-ingg-ang?",
"HAH? s-ia-pa yg sa-kit pi--ggang?",
"yeh, si ibu mah ditanya siapa yg sakit pinggang, nanya lagi..."
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA
"disini gg-ak a--da yg sak--it p-iinggang ti..."

colors

2009-10-04T19:08:00.010-04:00

‘Freedom Writers’ is a movie about Erin Gruwell, a white teacher who lives within the conflict of races. Also in her class of diverse groups, Erin voluntary tries various ways to engage them on everyday life. She encourages them to put all of their thoughts and expressions into form of writings, as the students each have their own stories. She also introduces her students to the experiences of those suffering intolerance all over the world and the struggles of those outside their own communities. Her success in the classroom is very inspiring. Her initial intention for her students is in a social background, but it is still in the way of English class methods, only better.

In many ways, the theme of the movie stimulates deep thoughts and emotions on the sensitive issues surrounding the problems of racism which remain common in the society today. Nonetheless, it is delivered in a very attractive and light scenario, as the setting is in the context of contemporary high school and teenagers. And the choice of players to represent the students is very appropriate. The acting accurately portrays irritated and discriminated feelings within each racial group. The narration of the students’ thoughts in the most part of the movie greatly expresses their characteristics of each individual’s life stories. However, Hilary Swank was doing 'okay' as Erin Gruwell. Her acting was lacking authenticity and insight of the character which would have been needed to adjust and face the many personal problems and personality attitude of the students she had to deal with. Also on the way she spoke to her students, she did not show enough firmness and how serious she wanted to unite her students together. Her acting just needs to be more forceful and authentic.

This movie about a life in room 203 keeps the viewers involved with the movie. ‘Freedom Writers’ is a great movie based on the story, how it is presented and how the message is delivered clearly. Overall, this movie is based on a true story on the subject of complex problems of youth played by excellent cast. It is an interesting few hours to see this cool film.

SJ Kadri.

one

2009-09-09T14:36:00.005-04:00

"how do you like the school so far?",
"honestly, i havent even reached the word 'like'."

ive never been this quiet, ive never felt this lonely seeing people around with other people beside them when i was sitting in the hall stairs with my own very bestfriend ipod.
you know that i love to find a way out of this. but the only best thing that i can do was putting your photos in my locker. haha thats pathetic right? why? so i can still have you as my schoolmates, well at least, only every morning when i hang my bag but as soon as i closed it, youre not my schoolmates anymore. i have to face that you guys are 11 hours ahead and miles away from me. but thats pretty much pull out a rare smile from my face. i dont smile very often here, i dont think i have to smile, i dont think i can either.

its not that im pulling myself from what i face in front of me and keep moving back. its just, i just cant imagine what i missed, what i had before. i wish i was a better person back then, a better friend.

and something really funny happened. my home internet is blocked. so im here, in the communication technology class, with tears struggling to fall, and wont care about my grammar correction whatsoever, take a chance to share with you like we always did, only worse.

pictures later.

miss you the most,

sasa.

random talk 101

2009-06-15T11:45:00.015-04:00

10:43 pm.

still awake. just talked to vetta on the phone, shes.. never been that funny, haha. five days before take off. i dont really feel anything abnormal, maybe i havent and um, i just worried about my school report; there are a few issue about school thingies but all i can do is pray... and shit... thats pretty much all, sh, you all know you cant ever take a pray lightly. so yeah the point is, i havent feel anything weird particulary but actually the case is, im gonna miss a trillion visions and sounds after these five days. those visions and sounds i always hear, see, and feel. i'll be deaf, i'll be blind.

i have twitter.com/sjkadri -kthx twitter is pretty much addictive and so is alex turner.

goodbye good people.

the spokesman of a generation

2009-05-24T07:31:00.003-04:00

He's Elston Gunn, Robert Milkwood Thomas, Willow Scarlet, Jack Frost, Jack fate, Boo Wilbury, Lucky Wilbury, Sergei Petrov, Blind Boy Grunt, Elmer Johnson.

"If I wasn't Bob Dylan, I'd probably think that Bob Dylan has a lot of answers myself." -

happy birthday Robert Allen Zimmerman.
and stop smoking, you used to be so good looking ha.

ten fingers, a technique, and an empathy.

2009-05-13T07:05:00.007-04:00

where. a small house near my nana's. in the corner of the bed, ahead the laptop desk, a position where i could feel the coldest breeze of ac, and also the loudest sound of the tv. a new place for me, but in no time i'll be sitting somewhere that i cant ever imagine.

when. around 6 o'clock in a birthday of a strongest and most inspirational woman that ive ever known. ive been sitting here for hours, but ive had another days, weeks, or months sitting in the same position since i moved here. the things i remember the most from several months ago i was in a house, a suburban home that i lived there for 15 years. there i was watching tv in the with 3 person that i love to death, it was an ordinary moment back then. and now at 6.26 pm right where im sitting, all i know is that moment will never appear in my life anymore.

why. life changes. so it moves and theres no option to return, period.

how. how what? its fast and instant and hard at the same time. how it feels? well, there's no particular expression to tell, its like living in a broken down train. but suddenly it fixed, and it runs without ends and without a track to go back.

who. wouldnt you like to know? its me, but it could be anyone. anyone who regretted not to make every seconds you took to be precious, anyone who ever thought that they never really like their life, anyone who wasted their life by disappointing their loved ones or else. it could be you.

what. there's no obvious intention of me writing this post, i just have been too cryptic for me, for you, for them, for anybody. its hard for me, i have some polar that pulling me from different sides. i've never known who am i and who i have been all along. i recalled things that ive been missing, i remind those moments that wont return, i regret for all of those mistakes, repeat. its crazy, but sadly it happens..
it' almost 7 o'clock, its 39 days remaining to the biggest life change that ive ever had. its 39 days remaining to something that im afraid the most in my life.

2009-05-11T06:19:00.004-04:00

Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.
---

I don't know. That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

---

When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds.

---

You know, there's too many buttons in the world. There's too many buttons and they're just- There's way too many just begging to be pressed,they're just begging to be pressed,you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed, and it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?

---

Girl, Interrupted. 1999

this all is exactly my mood today.

xx

2009-05-06T06:42:00.007-04:00

hello world.

well, that was kinda overrated because im pretty sure that only some of my friends read this, but its cool with me, in no ways whatsoever i really need to tell people about this fer sure. puhleeezzz no offense if you feel like the way im trying to say.

i dont have any idea what happens with kids these days, especially for some type girls. its just very irritating and disturbing that ive seen some girls are being too aggressive about boys. its just somehow, they are being too exposed in showing how much they need boys. like, having a crush and being way too emotional, i mean its okay to be emotional, we're girls its so hell normal.
but being too emotional until you show everyone how much you want someone until you cry, piss off, and banging things like a maniac, or sometimes showing off their skin too much, whatnots? i dont think its necessary. come on its not like theres only few boys left on earth. gosh its just embarrassing, what would others think about you? what would the boys think? seeing some girl desperately mad in love about some guy.. what would roll around in their head? damn, it's sad and pity..

girls are supposed to be really cool about this kind of thing, being priceless and attractive without being aggressive. im not saying that we need to show guys how much we dont need them, im saying that we have to show that we're classy. yah you know what classy is.. yeah well, im a girl, im 16, single in highschool middle year, i have my hormones jumping up and down so i know what it feels like. having a boyfriend its kinda 'the thing' right now.. but im okay. however, somehow i do feel i really want a boy beside me, but i dont need to chase them. let them chase us, let them be the one to evaluate.. im not pretty, i dont have special talents, not even smart, cant socialize well, i have a bad baadddd grammar and you can tell, i think im really not attractive compared to the girls my age. but im cool with it, all girls are beautiful in their own way as long as they dont ruin it, im sure that somehow, sometime, somewhere i will get the perfect guy for me just like fairytale always told (i'll make an exception for brothers grimm readers ha). so yeah, all im trying to say.. dont give lady a bad name.

well im sorry for being a lame-o or being such a granny but, i know im right, im nowhere near wrong. im kidding, this all was just my opinion so its up to you how to respond this. im tired bye.

un, deux, trois, dis: miroir noir!

2009-05-04T11:10:00.024-04:00

it's been a while,

the black mirror knows no reflection
it knows not pride or vanity
it cares not about your dreams
it cares not for your pyramid schemes
their names are never spoken
the curse is never broken

a cool shit from 2008

they dont see, hear, or sense. they feel.

2009-05-02T10:02:00.028-04:00

ive been thinking and discovering lately about my surroundings.. ive made a conclusion about some friends that im not around a lot with. but when im around them, i feel so safe and comfortable its like i dont have to lift their mask, i dont have to worry if that their tongue are different with their mind or whatever things you dont wanna face.

people with a huge heart, feelings, and so independent but they always care about other's feeling and so afraid of being selfish.

i never inspired by famous hated people, have loads of backstabbing friends, and always wanna win the popularity competition. please, no offense, just lots of people i know does it.

but people that could share their heart out, people that feel okay to be alone or even cornered, people that looked so okay on the outside but actually really sad on the inside but theyre too smart to regret their life and always see the brighter side of the breakdowns. those are the kind of people that i always look up to. sometimes i gave them my advice and my own story, they replied with complimentary. they heard me clearly and they always understand or sometimes they had the same feeling as mine. they make me feel so lucky, blessed and feel so not alone when i know that they have so much emotions. and its always so cool to know them, they are always the real deal. thanks for appearing in my life haha.

...oh iya, gue sakit mata yg kiri nih, tadi kemasukan scrub facewash sama ponds toner trs kecolok sama fist sendiri dan rencananya besok pengen beli contact gatau bisa ato enggak kalo keadaanya gini, gimana dong? trs orang juga bilang kayaknya gue lebih pantes pake geek perspective vintage eyeglasses gue, nyokap gue bilang gue terlalu jorok buat contact dan ga biasa ngeliat gue ga pake spectacles. huh well, just wait and see. (post yang ini jadi ga nyambung dan merusak suasana ya? yaudahlah gue sakit mata males buka2 new post lagi mending sekalian deh)
dah.

i know no one loves me
abcd,
gossip hermaphrodite boygirl

ps: the picture is from dust factory, you'll get the idea why i chose that picture if you read my post clearly.

2009-04-22T10:08:00.004-04:00

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

Dead Poet Society, 1989

we the creeps.

2009-04-20T18:50:00.009-04:00

alethea, me, karina (back), gisca the hollowoman, and midel minus sasya, bil.
(i'll upload more, i have a problem with internet connection)

i went out with the girls yesterday. thea chopped her hair off and she looked more light in weight which made me looked more heavy, and it was crazy because i was kinda the only one who knows the place of our destination is, but i wasnt exactly sure, so i was like a human-shaped cheap gps. we're doomed, so doomed.. we screamed a lot at the car, i screamed the loudest, thea pranked billa again and again until she couldnt think clearly about the road haha, and karina, sasya, gisca looked like they were defenselessly willing to kill us. yeah we're so damn panic because there were so many intersections, and ways to highway. i sat next to billa, i told her the right way, and she didnt believe me! hahaha, i slapped her automatically. so it was crazy with blue's (the boyband) backsound in it. but at least, we arrived safely with a bit heart attack.

it's a huge mall with no-idea-where-to-go and so quite, really small amount of people. and sooooo many chinese, it was like a "welcome home, sasja and thea!" haha. and so we went for food, we met midel (she goes to school in philippines, but she went to my school last year), we watched "fast and furious 4" (it's highly recommended, ah it's so effin cool), aaaaaaaaand.. ice skating.

i had a bad feeling about this;
1. im fat and heavy
2. i have a motion weakness
3. i cant control my balance, i could fall even when i was just standing
4. i never ever in my whole life playing ice skating
5. so i had no idea how to do it

so yeah, i suck. i felt like a moose with perspective glasses on it while my other friends were like penguins skating all around me. when they wanted to teach me, i need to qualified them to save my own life.

1. thea: suicide. btw, she pulled me to the center, left me there, and wanted to push me from the back. yeah, it was a suicide haha.
2. billa: life-threatening
3. karina: dont believe her peaceful face
4. sasya: harmless but need to be aware
5. gisca: safe.
6. midel? she made ice cream in the side of the rink with me. so she was the safest.

but then again, it was a whole package of fun. i got some eyecatching view, thea showed me a couple and chinese boys arent so bad at all hehe, pretty cute tho.

so, we went home, thea and i bought some food, and the rage was on again.
car, we sang hard, didnt know where to go, i threaten billa that she went to the wrong way with thea heating her up hahaha. gisca abnormally went insane by screaming random things, i thought she was sick with us haha. and thea laughed crazily when i open the window and give a thumb up to the other driver. karina and sasya said they wanted to tied thea up and throw her to the road. but when thea was dropped home, suddenly things gone quite, we were a bit confused about that haha.

so i went home with gisca, we're pretty much in one area, she said things about dewi persik with her as if good english,
wasting time = washing time.
"saya sudah nungguin disini, dianya belom dateng. ini kan washing time banget, pokoknya washing time"
if i translated it:
"ive been waiting him for so long, and he hasnt come yet. it's washing time, so washing time."

well i know about wasting time but i dont know that we could wash it. hahaha.

speaking about time, 60 days to go, so i have to spend more time with them, lol.
well, see you. photos coming soon.

2009-04-18T00:36:00.001-04:00

within miseries and cons, heart's an empty space
sitting there with a door that never knocked
and a bell that never chimed
so quiet yet not so peaceful

memories fade and hoped to be replaced
what the hell is it another daydream again?
stays there and smiles, doesn’t care with those laughs
a jealousy by using eyes to see lovers surrounding
and wont give up, believing a miracle and hope it wont lie

it will let love in
it will wait
cause if there’s no love, what’s a heart beating for?

mother-daughter's small conversation

2009-04-16T08:03:00.004-04:00

"kamu kok kasian banget sih, hatinya selalu sedih gitu. kamu tuh harus positive thinking sa, kalo enggak jiwa kamu rusak terus2an down.."
"..."

i love her.

one of thousands dvd marathon

2009-04-10T10:56:00.007-04:00

im bored and satisfy myself for cheap cheesy dvds even though i prefer some complex old movie with low rating in major, but yanno things i do before i move soon. so yeah heres my eyes talking.

Bride Wars: its funny tho, seeing those unwell-minded pranks (well those kind of things never crossed my mind when i happened to hate someone as hell). but then again, girls are full of emotion, no matter how mean they are, they still seek for love and care so yeah.

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist: well i think some people are being overrated with this movie. but yeah i like this kind of movie. i mean bands, teenagers, musics, something that i always love to watch. its good but, not so frickin awesome that youre gonna watch this for the 30th time (i'll make exception if you just wanna watch michael cera, i got to be honest i couldnt take my eyes off him). yeah my point is, if you dont really like to watch this, just watch cera, ha.

The Strangers: if i could rate -5, i would. okay, not that bad, i honestly barely watched it for the first minutes, i was too scared i hid my head under my pillow and made a little space for my eyes. BUT, when i reached the ending "what the fck gimme back my rp 6000".

and oh lately im being too geek about movie thing, i feel like i am 10 years too late so recommend somewhat for me. hvala.

dilemma

2009-04-09T21:04:00.007-04:00

toronto is cold.

its not warm, not fun, not emotional, and full of color like jakarta. do i want to be there? i dont know. i was being too proud back then, i showed off about going to stay in toronto. but now, im facing the real truth; like absence a lot for some migration to-dos, booking for tickets, things with us visa that makes me losing up some hair and so on. i just c-c-ant imagine things that im going to miss in jakarta. those that ever appear in my life, family, friends, and not forget mentioning pembokat, tukang angkot dan angkot2nya, pengamen, alay, people in different cultures and jokes about them (betawi norak, padang pelit, jawa bego, sunda centil, batak kasar) and things that you wouldnt find in.. canada?
i mean come on, it would be great for education, more proven for living..
but how would it be if my surroundings wont treat me the same as in jakarta? because i know it would be different, either its better or worse, i still cant face too much difference in instant, i will need much progress.
and the worst thing is, what if it doesnt feel like home?

(university of toronto on winter photo. i dont own it, i googled it. )

crow series of oh-so-no idea

2009-03-29T04:27:00.008-04:00

tokyo imperial palace (japan, 2009)

bus boredom

2009-03-28T14:46:00.016-04:00

lake saiko (japan 2009)

i took them from an excessive-speed moving bus and havent edited them yet so theyre kinda flaw. but yeah, i just got back home, pretty excited and would kill someone for another extreme school skipping.

so yeah, i got a bunch of picture to show and a long story to tell.

2009-03-19T06:40:00.013-04:00

im ugly, i looked at my bathroom mirror and it hurts as hell when i saw myself. i think im every girl's physical disaster, a form of their nightmare.
im i think im done repairing my look, its useless, im ugly and thats the way im suppose to be.
and i have some friends who thought that theyre so not goodlooking, i just want them to stop talking shitloads about it because i think theyre way more goodlooking than i am and it makes me more frustrated.

but something killed my thoughts out, later i watched a news about wart human (google it!), they have warts grow all over their body. and my sympathy went off, its heartbreaking when i saw a woman with so much big-o' warts on her but she kept smiling and was optimist about being healed.

i still think that im extremely ugly but what im trying to say is that im grateful for what i have now, im not flawed, im just fat, and greasy and having loads of acne, and round, and... yeah you know, just realize that there are some woman wanted to looked like us more than anything.

so yeah stfu.

sasya

2009-03-14T09:45:00.007-04:00

my classmate. i retouched it and hoped your eyes wont sore.. but i think it wont do that much favor haha.

blackouts

2009-03-10T05:58:00.021-04:00

if i die now,

would you remember me even if i was easy to forget?
would you cry out loud in the middle of those celebrating smiles?

would you forgive at least one of my heartbreaking sins?
would you dare to miss me when they told you to ignore me?
if i die now,
would you recall everything ive done for you,
and remind our bittersweet memories?

if i die right now,
would you even care?/sj09

another bad day.

i got an unnecessary humiliation from my time-to-time asshole chemistry teacher (maybe i should write this whole page just about her),
i couldnt think right that i forgot about my mom until she pissed,
and my maid's cat ate my only fish, so now i cant see that orange tail dancing in the little pond, it always putted a little smile upon my face after i saw it.

so i think i dont want to go to school tomorrow. im holding too much temptation at this time, i need a moment to breathe.

something to tell to your grandchildren

2009-02-28T00:37:00.013-05:00

haha.

and truth be told I miss you
and truth be told I'm lying

when you see my face
hope it gives you hell
hope it gives you hell
when you walk my way
hope it gives you hell
hope it gives you hell/the-aar

no matter how lame it sounds, but i believe that every girl in this world has ever been in a highschool crush.
yeah i just had one, but we dont know each other at all. he is the kind of guy who only interested in gorgeous, attractive girl who wears tote bag, foundation, lipgloss, pink cute sweater, flat shoes. and has a clean skin, styled hair, thin body blablabla.

it's not that im being racist but, huh, me? i dont even have a time to comb my hair, i always wear a big round eyeglasses, men's converse and dusty kipling backpack to school with thousands of pimples in my greasy face, my short-fat ass and frizzy damaged hair..
im a walking nightmare.

just, this dude is different. he looks so effing ignorant and seems cool but he's not, he's more like a chicken.
i 98 % sure he knew that i liked him.
i mean okay, when im having a crush, i cant keep my big mouth shut so i told everyone; not that everyone, just people i know. but come on, when i was in 8th grade i had a crush with one of my classmate and i told every girl in my class that i liked him but he didnt know about that until now haha, but at least if he knew, he seemed chill.

i really, really liked him since 11th grade. til the least thing i want to do was happened. i cried, i always thought that every girl who cries over a guy is dumb and im one of those kind of girl since then. it happened when i felt so pathetic and i need to get over it. it did need a harsh progress but im done now, i never felt so relieved before.

okay nuff about me, so this guy is avoiding me, once he saw me and closed his face with a paper... what are you? a psychic? we did meet oftentimes and i just thought that he's goodlooking compared to other boys in my school (i go to a lame public highschool, dont ask) i was in 10th grade and i had a crush with him in 11th grade.
some things happened afterwards, i just cant remember those.
but what convinced me the most was just happened two days ago. my left leg's sock was loosen, so i sticked to a wall and fixed it. he was walking towards me and when he saw me, he turned his way to the field til his friend confused and shouted "DUDE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
... omigosh
and yesterday in canteen i bought a plate of nasi uduk and he was beside me, i just didnt realize it. my friend whispered to me "sas, sas.." and pointed him with her head. i was surprised and we looked at each other at the same time, and we're so close to each other. what made me dislike him more and more, he giggled and smile big when he pull his face away.

dude, get a life, love your gorgeous girlfriend, mind your final year.

dont think that im your lifetime fan, im realistic, i could get over you easily even it did leave some stitches. you should thank me, bcause you'll be my ridiculous history, im gonna remember these moments. so when im 70-something, i will remember how funny my teenage drama was.

another reader-less post, but yaaaaaaah, bye

2009-02-20T08:23:00.018-05:00

i used to think
there is no future left at all
i used to think

start again begin again
let's go down the waterfall
have ourselves a good time
it's nothing at all
nothing at all/radiohead

im sleepless, powerless, brainless, spiritless.. i need, need a motivation and some consolation.
too much temptation, too tired, and the worst part is.. im so damn bored.

2009-02-17T08:03:00.012-05:00

lots of pressure going on or its just me, i just feel so down in the dumps. my brother clashed with my mom about certain family loving and caring things and lalala, she cried and i couldnt take it, i always distressed if my mom cries. ^$@#(?)%! im having this big shitty massive flu, and uh i just finished those exams not pretty well, and had bastard teachers thingy.

i spent the whole schoolday in the computer room but just for today, pretty much fun tho, i dont mind if it stays that way for longer. and yeah this morning karina told me about 'defiance' the movie and jamie bell and hell yea i missed him (huh) so when i got home, i watched jumper for the gazillions time, i thought that would cure my fricked out mind but it just didnt.

i dont know, im tired. maybe i need to eat tons of pringles and let it poisoned me if necessary or else.

"zou hao, brother. thats goodbye in chinese.", it actually means take care but what the hell, bye.

harr

2009-02-08T09:47:00.015-05:00

i thank God for blessing me with such a great family,

id probably go crazy if i dont live with them. some of my friends are being btches recently, i dont know how they use their hearts but some of those people i trust are giving me hard times for my last months here in jakarta and im not gonna be back for 2 years.

i always love them, miss them, i always do my best to help them when they have problems, but they treat me like a deadbeat.

well i actually dedicated this for a person that i have a faith in. i always know if shes lying, it hurts like hell when i look back to everything that ive done for her.

naah what the hell, drop dead. lets have some fun, ignore me. i never let people know when they giving me heartache, i wont babysit them. ya'llknow.

polaroid, paranoid.

2009-01-24T21:00:00.003-05:00

this is probably the sweetest thing in my house.

im so afraid that i cant use that thing anymore. they stopped producing in 2008 and they have returned with the new owner; Florian Kaps, 39 years old eccentric austrian artist.
but still, its so effing hard to find the instant film in jakarta.

so i need serious help, inform me if you know somewhat. thank you.

s is for social refusal

2009-01-24T06:02:00.009-05:00

one last glance from a taxi cab
images scar my mind
four weeks have felt like years
since your full attention was all mine
the night was young and so were we
talked about life, God, death, and your family
didn't want any promises,
just my undivided honesty, and you said

things are gonna change now for the better
things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change

iam the patron saint of lost causes
a fraction of who i once believed - change
only a matter of time
opinions i would try and rewrite
if life had background music playing your song
i've got to be honest, i tried to escape you

but the orchestra plays on, and they sang

things are gonna change now for the better
things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change

hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
dismantle me down - repair
you dismantle me

give me time to prove
prove i want the rest of yours - prelude
call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
it's not that i hang on every word
i hang myself on what you repeat
it's not that i keep hanging on
i'm never letting go

save me from myself
help me save me from myself

im sick with some of my friends, especially this girl and her lameo friends. i thought that she was different, i thought that i could trust her.
she was so nice at the beginning, but i was nicer, no, i was being too nice. now she left me when she found out her new 'cool' friends, which i think theyre so effing.. i dont know, they are those pathetic kind of people that i laugh about, but naah maybe she had a different vision with me. but i would bet $150 if her friends were being an ass to her shes gonna run like hell looking for me haha. im totally familiar with those type of person.
well i feel pity for myself for giving a damn to her, it wastes my short age. i was being overrated.
my parents always told me not to have a great faith with anyone, and if i do, just, prepare for heartache. the hardest part is i always give big sympathies even to a small matter, so it does need a long progress to leave all my good adverse habit. raaaaaah, im done with this. lol.

well this is one of those heartbreaking reasons why i consider myself as a private person. not trying to sound like an emo, i am just an extrasensitive person and you wont even know that youre irritating me.
but im not an anti-social, i do like people but sometimes i just cant stand them.

so i avoid people to avoid heartache, but thats just me dont get bothered.

by the way that great lyric in the upper side of this post belongs to Anberlin-Dismantle.Repair.,
i cant get enough of that song : D

later, booyaahh!

friendly reminders.

2009-01-23T06:45:00.000-05:00

jadi tadi pagi sikat gigi trus batuk-batuk mual kenceng gitu jadi teringat siapa yang dulu suka gitu pagi2 sampe pembokat ketakutan,
trus ngeliat luka bekas blood test inget sama yang biasa megangin tangan terus acting histeris didepan petugasnya,
waktu dianterin kesekolah kalo mama lampu merah langsung berhenti jadi inget sama yang lampu merah langsung terobos,
kalo nonton cable tv jadi inget joke2 konyol soal orang cina sama pembawa acara malaysia mirip didi nini towok di asian food channel yang omonganya lebih susah dimengerti dari bahasa perancis.

well remindernya lebih ke sadis dibanding friendly sih.
but yeah, i miss daddo : )

subzero

2009-01-19T09:32:00.002-05:00

lights out, i still hear the rain

so i had this non-productive day.

my oh-so-pathetic school had a power failure
and yeah they dont facilitate any power generator
yanno, just, imagine.
i went home. and yeah my not-oh-so-pathetic house had a power failure in my tutorial schedule, so i grabbed the chance to take that picture above haha well at least a little thing could be done.
ironically the electricity turned back on when my tutoress went home from my house haha

well i know i never really pay much attention at school thingys, moreover id rather study things that pole apart with those lessons from school.
im just totally not an ignorant and i may be look like a miserably lazy person, but i wont waste my time for wretched things.
and this kind of day is the one that makes me goes "wtf".

hey there.

2009-01-14T09:17:00.000-05:00

by the fact of my overrated laziness, im so worry that this blog gonna turn out like, my former blogs: garbage.
but i thought that im gonna be more serious on this one for a cheap reasons like, my life is running too fast so i do need an online journal, and ofcourse i could put anything i want in it or whatsoever.. you'll see.

oh yeah i just turned 16 three days ago. i never really give a damn about my birthday, i mean come on im getting older so there is nothing good to be proud of (in my own opinion, just ignore it) but i do give a damn about how much people really care about me. so yeah, thanks loads.

well nuff said, see you.