what if i said goodbye now?
what if i, not knowing why,
left you all behind on the ledge?
i replied, that i knew now
i was glad i did not push you off
that time on the ledge
and i'm still glad
i did not push you off
that time on the ledge

Gue lagi jalan pulang di McNicoll, dan itu kayak tailah dingin banget. Terus tetep aja jalan panjang banget kayak ga ada ujungnya, mobil – mobil banyak dijalanan, rame lah waktu itu. Gue celingukan lagi liat – liat sekitar, tiang - tiang listrik berjajar di ladang rumput hijau luas McNicoll Avenue. Tapi heranya gue liat depan dan belakang sepanjang trotoar ga ada orang sama sekali, gue cerna dan gue sadari lagi, sebelah- sebelah gue ga ada orang sama sekali. Gue langsung nunduk, malu sama mobil – mobil dan tiang – tiang listrik disekitar gue, mereka aja punya sesuatu disebelah - sebelahnya. Dan gue sadar, hidup gue ya begini selama ini. Apa kedepanya begini terus? Itu pertanyaan yang ga akan kuat gue bayangin, dan gue ga mau bayangin. Entah ada apa langsung inget, salah satu pesan Pak Purnomo yang ditulis dibuku yang gue ga berhenti baca, lihat, terus diimajinasiin, buku yang gue ga berhenti bolak – balikin halamanya dari awal sampe akhir.

Katanya, “Belajarlah mencari tahu apa kehendak Tuhan dan rencananya, disaat kita ada ‘masalah’.”

Gue lebarin mata gue dan gue sadar, Tuhan sayang banget sama gue ngasih pelajaran buat gue untuk lebih bersyukur. 5 bulan yang lalu gue bolak – balik protes kepanasan, sekarang dikabulin dan dikasih dingin. 5 bulan lalu gue terlalu gengsi dan sombong hidup di negara berkembang, sekarang gue ada di negara termaju ke-4 di dunia. Gue dapet semua ini, tetep aja gue protes. Tapi apa yang gue paling sadarin? Tuhan sayaang banget sama gue, 5 bulan yang lalu gue punya orang – orang disebelah gue. Dan bukan sekedar orang, temen, yang dimana mereka semua udah 12 jam didepan. Dari pada gue nangis dijalanan kayak psycho, gue cepet - cepet pulang ke basement, buka buku itu lagi, liatin satu – satu muka – mukanya. Terus gue liat dan perhatiin satu orang yang hampir ada disemua foto, lagi diantara orang – orang yang pengen gue sulap biar ada disini. Itu gue, gue pernah disitu, susah untuk percaya kalo gue pernah disitu, diantara orang - orang itu, ‘kok bisa ya?’ selalu terlintas di kepala gue.

Dulu dengan mudahnya gue bilang orang itu egois, ga pernah mikirin orang lain, dan bilang kalo gue lebih mikirin orang lain dibanding mikirin diri gue sendiri. Tapi ternyata, yang bener – bener egois ya gue, kok bisa – bisanya gue ga sadar kalo gue pernah diantara orang – orang itu? Lagian kenapa juga mereka harus ada disebelah gue sekarang? Kenapa ga gue aja yang disana? Pake seragam, ketemu pagi – pagi, ngobrol ato tidur pas pelajaran, beli makanan ga sehat di kantin, ke kelas terus ngegosip, sorenya pulang dan dadah2an sama mereka ato pulang bareng sama mereka. Egoisnya gue, kenapa juga hal – hal itu mesti diulang? Emang bisa? Kenapa gue ga bersyukur 5 bulan yang lalu gue ada disitu, kenapa saat itu gue sadar hari – hari gue disana dengan mereka. Di kota itu, di sekolah itu, dengan baju itu, ditempat itu, semua gak akan keulang lagi.

Gue kangen sama kalian semua. Gue minta maaf gue bukan temen yang baik yang kalian punya, ga pantes banget gue ngomong gini karena kalian adalah temen – temen yang baik banget untuk gue. Gue ga peduli sebaik dan seburuk apa temen yang gue punya atau akan punya disini, kalian lain dari mereka semua dan gue ga akan pernah lupa sama kalian karena kalian adalah salah satu bentuk kasih sayang Tuhan untuk gue. Gue juga ga mau ngerepotin kalian dengan dengerin dan tau gue yang kelewat cengeng ini. Gue mau lo semua jalanin hari – hari lo semua yang seneng ya disana, liat sebelah – sebelah lo terus bersyukur, gue udah ga minta apa – apa lagi. Terus cerita – cerita, kasih tau apa aja, gue desperate untuk dengerin itu semua. Gue tujukan ini buat semuanya, kalian semua yang pengen banget gue sebutin satu – satu disini, terutama yang udah bikinin gue buku bacaan pesawat terbang yang paling bagus yang pernah gue baca. Walopun lagi ga dipesawat terbang, gue selalu ada setetes dua tetes nangis tiap ngeliat dan ngebayangin itu semua. Tapi terutama waktu itu di pesawat gue bisa ngerasain, jalan terbangnya pesawat itu, kerasa pelan tapi pasti, menjauh dari foto – foto dan tulisan – tulisan dibuku itu..
Tadinya gue ga mau lo semua tau soal ini, tapi ini buat nunjukkin kalian gue sekarang ini seberapa kangenya duduk dan ngobrol bareng kalian disebelah – sebelah gue. Dan pengen nunjukkin seberapa bangga gue bisa nyebut kalian temen gue :)

Thank you for being the awesome part of my life.

I miss you more than you can ever imagine.
Sasja

happy 17th birthday fathia

i wish i could be there just to say happy birthday to you and hug you :'(
but dont bother, have an awesome birthday and awesome life. because you deserve it the most.

*i actually planned to make a video of my self saying happy birthday to you, but i look so messed up - so i really dont want to ruin your birthday and turning it into halloween*

♥

im not happy
and you dont need to be sorry

330 Geary Avenue, Toronto, ON M6H 2C7
fun game. but someone won already :\

that time on the ledge – mew,
sweetest sound at present

vertigo - i spent about half an hour in the washroom. sat facing the flush toilet and trying to vomit so at least i could release some pain - but i couldnt - bapak and emir knocked hard the door and shouting my name, they probably thought that i was dead, because i didnt make any sound at all. i went outside. i almost fell down from the stairs. falling is the scariest thing ever in my life - i remember when my friends and family taught me to ride bicycle and ice skate. i was so scared knowing that i would fall. but i wasn’t scared knowing that i would, fail.
i took some gravol my mom gave me, ive never slept that peaceful before.

i'll be visiting a house in north york at 5. hope we can own it.

back to my plant studying. i did horrible on romeo & juliet, i will never do that again, ever.

see you.

pretty much made my day

mom-titi webcam conversation in bad, baaadddd network:

"bb-u, s-p--a yg s--kit p-ingg-ang?",
"HAH? s-ia-pa yg sa-kit pi--ggang?",
"yeh, si ibu mah ditanya siapa yg sakit pinggang, nanya lagi..."
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA
"disini gg-ak a--da yg sak--it p-iinggang ti..."

colors

‘Freedom Writers’ is a movie about Erin Gruwell, a white teacher who lives within the conflict of races. Also in her class of diverse groups, Erin voluntary tries various ways to engage them on everyday life. She encourages them to put all of their thoughts and expressions into form of writings, as the students each have their own stories. She also introduces her students to the experiences of those suffering intolerance all over the world and the struggles of those outside their own communities. Her success in the classroom is very inspiring. Her initial intention for her students is in a social background, but it is still in the way of English class methods, only better.

In many ways, the theme of the movie stimulates deep thoughts and emotions on the sensitive issues surrounding the problems of racism which remain common in the society today. Nonetheless, it is delivered in a very attractive and light scenario, as the setting is in the context of contemporary high school and teenagers. And the choice of players to represent the students is very appropriate. The acting accurately portrays irritated and discriminated feelings within each racial group. The narration of the students’ thoughts in the most part of the movie greatly expresses their characteristics of each individual’s life stories. However, Hilary Swank was doing 'okay' as Erin Gruwell. Her acting was lacking authenticity and insight of the character which would have been needed to adjust and face the many personal problems and personality attitude of the students she had to deal with. Also on the way she spoke to her students, she did not show enough firmness and how serious she wanted to unite her students together. Her acting just needs to be more forceful and authentic.

This movie about a life in room 203 keeps the viewers involved with the movie. ‘Freedom Writers’ is a great movie based on the story, how it is presented and how the message is delivered clearly. Overall, this movie is based on a true story on the subject of complex problems of youth played by excellent cast. It is an interesting few hours to see this cool film.

SJ Kadri.

one

"how do you like the school so far?",
"honestly, i havent even reached the word 'like'."

ive never been this quiet, ive never felt this lonely seeing people around with other people beside them when i was sitting in the hall stairs with my own very bestfriend ipod.
you know that i love to find a way out of this. but the only best thing that i can do was putting your photos in my locker. haha thats pathetic right? why? so i can still have you as my schoolmates, well at least, only every morning when i hang my bag but as soon as i closed it, youre not my schoolmates anymore. i have to face that you guys are 11 hours ahead and miles away from me. but thats pretty much pull out a rare smile from my face. i dont smile very often here, i dont think i have to smile, i dont think i can either.

its not that im pulling myself from what i face in front of me and keep moving back. its just, i just cant imagine what i missed, what i had before. i wish i was a better person back then, a better friend.


and something really funny happened. my home internet is blocked. so im here, in the communication technology class, with tears struggling to fall, and wont care about my grammar correction whatsoever, take a chance to share with you like we always did, only worse.

pictures later.

miss you the most,

sasa.